As we all know, one of Donald Trump’s greatest accomplishments, other than coining the term “covfefe”, was prioritizing the rollback of women’s rights, starting with their ability to have abortions. And honestly, it couldn’t have come at a better time. These days, it’s almost impossible to find a woman willing to keep her legs closed. (Seriously superglue might not even be enough!) Thankfully, we’ve taken monumental steps to save ourselves from this epidemic of free will. By ensuring a Republican majority in the Supreme Court, we’ve all but guaranteed the safety of the unborn and, more importantly, the fragile egos of men who prefer their women subservient and barefoot. Trump played his part beautifully by appointing over 200 federal judges during his term, knowing full well they’d outlast him, sitting on those benches for a lifetime, unbothered by pesky democratic turnover.
With Roe v. Wade overturned, it marked the first time in history that the Supreme Court decided to remove a constitutional right from Americans. A bold move, sure, but one that was absolutely necessary. And don’t worry, we can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing this sets zero precedent for the Court to take away any other constitutional rights. Our guns, for instance? Totally safe. Because nothing says “sanctity of life” like the right to own AR-15s.
Of course, women around the world were horrified by this decision. But let’s be real: their outrage just proves they support murder. After all, life begins at conception. Once that egg is fertilized, a woman’s body becomes government property, and it’s our God-given duty to protect that zygote from the murderous whims of its so-called mother. Decisions about her own body? Too much freedom. Women have been getting out of hand with their liberties lately anyway. Voting, wearing pants, going to work instead of staying in the kitchen… Where does it end? But don’t worry, women’s bodies are fully in Trump’s hands from now on. After all, as he so graciously put it: “I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.” What a paragon of respect, huh? And let’s not forget his pièce de résistance, the quote that truly defines the spirit of our era: “Grab them by the p****. You can do anything.” A modern Shakespeare, really. Who wouldn’t trust him to oversee women’s rights?
And speaking of rights, let’s talk about abortion, like in the case of ectopic pregnancies, where a fertilized egg implants somewhere it shouldn’t, often leading to life-threatening complications for the mother. But let’s be honest: who cares about saving the mother if it means ending the life of someone as innocent and pure as an embryo? Sure, the fetus and the mother will both die if untreated, but at least no one has to feel the guilt of being safe. Natural deaths are so much more dignified than anything involving science.
And then there’s the argument that a brain or a pair of hands makes someone human. That’s just liberal nonsense! A clump of cells is clearly no different from a teenager or a grown adult. If we don’t condone murder after birth, why would we allow it before? Whether you’ve got a fully developed nervous system or not, it’s still murder. Case closed.
So, to all the so-called feminists out there screaming about bodily autonomy: sit down. Freedom isn’t about making your own choices, it’s about following rules made by people who know better than you. This isn’t the “land of the free” for nothing! And plus, Trump has made it very clear that he will be “protecting” women “whether the women like it or not.”
“O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?”
Yes, it does. And as long as the brave are making decisions for the free, we can all rest easy knowing that our nation is in good, morally superior hands.
