March Horoscopes

Your future lies ahead:

Capricorn:

Find ways to communicate imaginatively this month. Choose your words wisely, lest you ruin a few friendships along the way. This is obviously because the sun enters Pisces season this first Thursday, right into your third house. This also makes you highly susceptible to artistic tendencies. You may feel a certain clinginess towards your body pillow of Harry Styles. It’s to be expected but it’s still weird.

This month is a good time to help others. This author knows you don’t really care about other people, but she has to think of something to write so she’s going with this. You’ll be conflicted between buying and being broke. Your heart says yes but your wallet will say absolutely not, do something useful with your life.

Your horoscope is decidedly good, however, as this author is feeling generous. Mercury goes into retrograde and moves toward your sector of value. You will find a way to work through your financial problems. And perhaps your health problems, but don’t get too excited. You may still develop the plague. Try using Citrine to feel good about your healthy lifestyle choices.

Virgo:

Last month was a stressful time and we all know how Virgos are with stress. This author brings tidings of great joy, however, with the news that your love life will get boosted once Pisces enters your romance partnership house. Now, as we all know, romance never works out in the first week of the 3rd month, but you have at least enough patience to wait seven days. Perhaps.

There is still some tension in your pre-existing relationships. Luck is not on your side when it comes to holding your tongue. This author pleads with you to not end up in the ER with a broken nose after you get drunk, smash your brother’s favorite guitar, and then get whacked in the face with his chair. Not that this author is speaking from personal experience. To heal this injury, the purple crystal don’t-do-that-again is a great choice to have. 

Libra:

Winter is finally coming to an end which means good things for Libras, or at least that’s what every other horoscope says so this author’s going with it too. While it is still winter, those good things won’t come. You may find yourself crying in your bathroom and eating copious amounts of fries dipped in Mcflurry because life is just so gosh-darn unpredictable and you can’t keep up with it all. Impracticality goes down the toilet along with productivity for reasons already stated. 

Be careful as the planet Venus does complicate some… This will make you sad, apparently. Don’t catch feelings for anyone this month, because it will come around and bite you in the bum. 

Don’t tell people what they want to hear -be honest Libra. You will find it easier to express yourself by the end of the month so try and use it to your advantage. 

This author has done her research and concluded that literally, any blue crystal will be helpful this coming March.

Scorpio:

Allow your inner artist to frolic lively in a meadow or some field, this author does not much care at this point. The sun enters Pisces which means creativity but solely for Scorpios because you’re the quirky main character. You may feel the need to express yourself creatively by painting or perhaps listening to screamo. This author will warn all pieces of paper in the area that a Scorpio is on the loose.

Venus did the thing this author mentioned before and that is bad for Scorpio as well. A Bafta-winning drama will play out between you and your family and your significant other. Basically, the fam don’t like your new toy and wants you to get rid of them. Or something like that. This author can hardly wait. Mercury also does something but this time it’s good. Apparently now would be a great time to mend fences. Beware of wood varnish because you may not want to be a brunette if you know what this author is saying.

Leo:

Gentleness is key these next four weeks. Pisces shimmies into your sector of intimacy. Your partnerships will be put to the test. And this author means it will be challenging, not like a driving test that you managed to fail four times and are now getting therapy for. You will inevitably crack under the pressure of human relationships. Change is hard, don’t embrace it.

You get a break from caring when Mercury does its thing and moves into your sector of partnerships. Communication becomes easier and you will find creative ways to end your fighting, like logic or gratefulness. 

By the last week, you will feel positively chirpy and productive. An asteroid enters your philosophy sector and will increase your wonder for the world. Probably. Beware of small dogs – this goes for everyone. Small dogs are closer to hell.

Cancer:

You will gain new perspectives this month when Pisces does its thing. The sun enters your philosophy sector turning you more curious than Harry Potter. Perhaps you will learn something new, but this author doubts it. At least attempt to be less self-sacrificing. This author hates to admit it but you matter too.

Venus is brought up yet again because it’s an attention-seeker. Much like Leo. You’ve been exploring certain more intimate things and your friends are judging you. We’ve all been there. Just try to keep the weird stuff from happening because your friends have a point. Mercury is doing whatever it does, and now old pain is being brought up. This author prescribes a healthy dose of going to see the counselor. You certainly need it.

Aquarius:

Your season has just finished, and a belated happy birthday to you. Family influences will affect you this month. They will try to break you and you must not yield. They have the upper hand but don’t be tempted to give in -it will end nastily.

The sun is now in your sector of value, so go on a shopping spree or something. This author does not care much at this point. Basically, don’t spend too much on a bag you’re going to use once – but you’re allowed to buy something, whether that be a candy floss machine or a goldfish. 

Try not to get in your own way this month (you’ve got your family for that). Mercury moving around willy-nilly is good for you as you will *apparently* be more logical. And that is good. Trust the author who’s making all of this up.

Pisces:

This author would like to start by wishing you a happy birthday. Finally, you age another year and take a step closer to death. How joyous. You will feel more hopeful this month because of new beginnings and all that. There may even be new births, but this author highly doubts any newborns will be reading this and thinking “Ah yes, how incredibly accurate.”. Considering that it’s your birthday, this author has decided to be kinder than usual and is telling you to set your bar higher. You deserve better in many cases and now is the time to take back your life.

A small setback could occur with Venus, causing you to need some privacy and space. Just make sure to communicate this with the people around you. You will find it easier to ask for help, however. 

Trust your instincts and make sure to carry aquamarine everywhere with you.

Aries:

There’s a notable shift in energy for you when the sun enters Pisces. The sun will heal you in more ways than one this month. Whether this is healing severe childhood trauma or more recent scars. Whatever the case, something is coming to haunt you. This isn’t really a new complication though, as Aries has a tendency to overthink in general so just move on and forget it.

This weekend brings friendship and happiness and all these things that normal people like. Hang out with the few friends you have left, make new friends, try and stop your old friends from trying to commit manslaughter against you. This author’s advice would be to not become friends with a Cancer next time.

Sagittarius:

Rebellion would be unwise this week, Sagittarius. Pisces enters Uranus so don’t challenge the status quo. You’re not Troy Bolton. Don’t charge into emotional situations you’re unprepared for. Communicate with logic, not feelings.

The sun enters your family sector for the next month. This will cause you to take on a parent-like role in your relationships. It’s a bit weird, but okay. Practice some self-care as well because after all, this is your life.

Tensions ease when Mercury (again, yes) moves into Pisces and into your sector of communication. If you have siblings- yes, siblings, remember those? Use this time to bond with them. This author knows people who steal your parents’ love are annoying, but try and deal with it.

Taurus:

Again, Pisces season brings light to your sector of friendship. Allow yourself to forget your troubles and enjoy some time with your friends. Enjoy yourself, you don’t particularly deserve it. You’ll be more empathetic this week so do that and things.

You’re not completely free this month, however, as Venus pops up again and decides to create tension in your life. Your sense of self-worth and image will be completely destroyed. Reputations will become tarnished and you will be crying in your room before the first week is up.

The universe puts Mercury into your career sector, which may be good for the 3 adults reading, or completely useless for the children reading. But you can always plan for your future. 

This month also brings a discount on dish soap so make sure to get 3 bottles for the price of 4 (this deal only lasts until the 22nd).

Gemini:

And now onto Gemini. You’re a tough one. You’ve been educating yourself this past month but now; let’s get down to business. To defeat your fear of failure. 

The sun enters your career sector so start thinking about your future. Go on adventures, educate yourself. Focus on you. 

It’s not an entirely perfect month as Pisces squares March in Taurus. This will create tension between you and you. Old pain could resurface and make normal life difficult. Again.

This month ends on a positive note, however, as Mercury (surprise surprise) moves into Pisces and your ruling planet begins to move in the right direction. Expect satisfaction as you become refreshed and ready to take on new ideas. It’s a great time for travelling. Unfortunate that the holidays just passed, isn’t it? 

Beware of falling cows this author advises not leaving your house. At all. For the whole month.

Dedicated to class 11HK; here’s your asparagus.