Voices from the Void 2

I’ve always known that I’m bisexual. I just never accepted it. Coming from a culture that’s not always so welcoming of queerness, though never stated explicitly, I felt heavily discouraged from being anything but straight. In middle school, when all my friends started having crushes on boys, I forced myself to pick some out that I could mention when playing truth or dare. I was so scared of being found out that I would pick someone new every two months or so. Better to be called boy crazy than gay. I played my persona so well that I myself became convinced. When some of my friends came out, sparking discussions about the LGBTQ community, I was terrified. The fear of somebody realizing who I was overcame me. I avoided the topic at all costs. 

Recalling this incident today saddens me. Going through that mess of emotions at such a young age was a terrible experience that I hope no one has to go through. The reality is, though, that so many young people are fighting with themselves at this very moment. I am fighting with myself as I write this. Everyday as I come home from school, I wonder – is this the day I come out to my parents? It never is, of course, because I’m scared. Very few people know what it’s like to wonder if your parents love you unconditionally. There are stories all over the internet of people that have lost their homes, their families, their friends, all because of who they are. I can only imagine what that’s like, and I find myself constantly weighing the good and the bad. Would it be better to stop hiding who I really am, or would I rather take the risks of coming out? Being an LGBT POC has, in some ways, increased my apprehension to coming out. I already face discrimination for simply being a person of color, so why should I add fuel to the fire? 

If you are reading this, please know that there are millions of people like me out there, facing the same excruciating pain every day.